the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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