Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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