I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
