I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
