well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
