Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
