Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize