I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
