I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
