Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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