i need an iv and a liver transplant
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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