Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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