you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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