did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
