There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize