Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Randomize
