shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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