i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
