hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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