Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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