Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize