Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
