I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
