we have pet lesbian snakes
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
