my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It's shark week go big or go home
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
