I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
