census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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