I can text with my tongue
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
