i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
