I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
