There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize