Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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