I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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