you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
