You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
God I need to hump something, right now.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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