i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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