Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
