between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
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