I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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