help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize