Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
