im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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