shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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