Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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