he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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