I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Is Oprah even human
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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