his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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