I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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