I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You were trust falling into bushes
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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