I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
