i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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