The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
