i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
What a dumb baby whore.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
