Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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