your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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