Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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