Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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