What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Randomize
