he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
